Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Fight Rules: All is not fair in the war of love (but it can be)

Happy Hump Day lovelies!

You may have read about my non negotiables which I posted about last week, today I am here to share our fight rules with you! (The idea of fight rules was given to us in our Engaged class, which we did through our amazing church)

I'm sure that many of us, if not all, have been in an argument with our loved ones. Every couple will have times of conflict and disagreement, in these times it is important to remember that God tells us to "Be angry but do not sin in your anger" which is often more easily said than done.

Being the selfish, sarcastic, hot-headed lady that I am, my mouth usually gets me into hot water. I so frequently say things I dom't mean, do things I wouldn't normally do, and just act like an all out crazy person- and I do these things to the love of my life, my best friend, and sacred partner. Often I find myself forgetting that my husband is a blessing and a great gift from God, my heart hardens almost in an instant and I act quickly out of anger.

Marriage puts two imperfect, sinful people together, so there will always be bumps in the road but there are ways in which you can learn to navigate much more effectively, and without causing much damage.  Every couple needs boundaries that will help promote restraint during times of conflict, they need rules of engagement. What I'm going to share with you are some of our guidelines, which you can instill to help you maneuver through the tough moments, these are called FIGHT RULES 

These rules are things that both of us expect from one another, as well as from ourselves. These "rules" go along with our core values and help guide us and keep us accountable during abrasive moments. Just like with the non negotiables, these are not weapons against your spouse, but rather a set of boundaries, a loving structure with which you can "fight fair" with your spouse. We implemented these soon after we got engaged and I can't tell you the world of difference they made on how we communicated with one another- which by the way, fighting is a means of communication, though it is often a poor way of doing so.

Friends, you know your weaknesses, you know the areas that you need help with, I encourage you to meditate and pray on those things as you make that list. I will say that thinking of your fight rules can remind you of past hurt and anger, but it will be worth it! If our fight rules apply to you, then by all means use them-- use what we have as a template and tailor them to your own needs.

Laurel and Michael's Fight Rules:

1. We will not curse or use profanity 
2. We will speak privately (not argue in front of others)
3. We will try to avoid assumptions
4. We will not use sarcasm
5. We will not bring up past arguments 
6. We will not raise our voices at one another
7. We will allow one another time to cool off, pray, or think 
8. We will not hang up the phone on one another
9. We will never use the D-word (divorce) 
10. We will not slam doors or become violent
11. We will come to resolution 
12. We will keep disagreements between the two of us, unless we need to seek outside council (which is agreed upon)

We've also decided to display these in our home, next to our non negotiables and wedding vows! They're also great to keep inside your bible!

Tell me friends, what are some fight rules that you can think of right away? I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for stopping by- tomorrow I will be sharing more wedding photos!




  1. I think these are all really important, but especially 12. I admire you guys for that one, its easy to want to "vent" to our girlfriends which just causes more discontent and a wrong picture of the situation to whoever we are venting too.

    1. You are so right! It is something that I have really struggled with, but keeping it between us removes unnecessary complications and outside opinions!

  2. #2 is like my motto forever. I have always refused to ever argue in front of anyone. I think every couple should adopt that rule :) Although I do have trouble with #7 I have the hardest time giving him time to think. I always want issues resolved asap. I cant go to bed mad at him.

    1. Oh my goodness I know how you feel! I always want things fixed, but cooling off is sometimes a must (especially for me)!

  3. I definitely have to try hard not to raise my voice! We also have a rule of no name-calling during fights. Another good thing for us, is lots of couples say never go to bed angry, but we've found that sometimes you just have to sleep on it. When we're going nowhere in an argument sometimes we just say let's stop and go to bed. We've found that 9 times out of 10, by morning our anger is gone and usually we don't even need to discuss it, because the argument may have been silly in the first place!

    1. I agree with the no name calling, that is a good one to add to the list! We try not to go to bed angry because neither one of us will actually sleep, but I know that a lot of the time a good night's rest will work wonders on a hardened heart!
      It's so funny to look back on precious arguments to see how silly we were being, like, why do we even fight??

  4. I love this post. Definitely sharing it with the fiance.:)