Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Battle of The Neighbors

Good morning y'all!

I hope that everyone is having a beautiful, and warm day. I know that our temps aren't as bad as many, but it is pretty frigid here in good ole' Virginny!

Today I'm going to rant about our horrendous neighbors, if you've ever lived in an apartment then you can probably relate.

Case 1: "Sketchy Neighbor"

This was our neighbor right across from us, I gave him his beloved nickname mainly because he was sketchy, but also because I never knew his actual name. Why was he sketchy? Well, he used to wait for my husband to get home, then right as his car pulled up, he'd run outside to chat with him. That may seem totally harmless, but it was weird the way he always timed it out. Then he would walk my husband to our door and when the hubs entered our apartment, HE TRIED TO FOLLOW HIM IN! This happened on more than one occasion. Once he asked me for a ride, and I said I couldn't, but while we were chatting both he and his friend tried to come in my apartment. Not cool, bro, things like that will get you shot around here.
He'd also ask us for rides to places, knock on our door multiple times a day to see if we had any money for the laundromat, and once, I looked through the peephole on our door to see who was knocking, and he waved at me through the peephole. Creepy. He also put a sign on his door that read "Donating plasma, be back in 30 minutes." Y'all, I'm pretty sure he was on drugs.

Now, I'm not trying to be hateful, but the man needed to pick up on some social queues, ya dig? There were plenty of times that my husband drove him places or helped him out. He was a nice guy, just very...special.

Case 2: Little Drummer Boy

This little fella was something else. He would sing at the top of his lungs, not well I might add, while strumming his little guitar, and often he banged on the drums. It was just down right obnoxious, especially because according to our lease, musical instruments can't be played in the apartments. If you tried to knock on his door to ask him to stop, he'd suddenly get quiet and pretend like no one was there. Real smooth, you definitely fooled us.
The worst thing about Little Drummer Boy is that when confronted, he would totally deny it! My hubs once went downstairs to politely ask him to stop, and he was like "What? I wasn't playing any music." even though we knew he was, and there were musical instruments everywhere.

Luckily LDB has since moved out and peace has been restored to our community.

Case 3: McGang Bang, Sexy Times, Dog Abuser

Get ready because this is the worst offender of all, which is one of the reasons he has so many nicknames. This guy has the loudest sex of anyone on the planet. If National Geography and Hugh Heffner teamed up to make an "adult film" they'd both be offended by the noise.
Now, I'm not one to shoot a man's horse, especially if he's having sexy times, but a person can only withstand so much. His girlfriend literally screams at the top of her lungs and yelps like a dog being beaten. It's just too much.

To combat the annoyance, I left a nice note on his door, it read:

Merry Christmas, neighbor! I'm so excited that you're getting laid so often, but if you could do all of us in ----- 549 a favor and keep it down, that would be great! It sounds like someone is being tortured. Thanks!

Okay, I admit, it isn't my best work but I was desperate.

Mr. Sexy Times has so much sex I can't even imagine how it's humanly possible. If his girlfriend is over, basically there will be noises. They've woken us up at 2:30 in the morning, disturbed our guests, and made us consider whether or not someone was actually being abused. We are so irritated that we've jokingly plotted dropping some sort of foul something through his air duct. Don't worry y'all, we won't actually do it.

So there you have it! Have you been graced with horrible neighbors? Tell me all about them!




  1. Oh my gosh I DIED reading this! What cray cray neighbors!! At least they make for good stories...?!?

  2. Sometimes we get our neighbor's mail the nice little old lady who lives next to us is named "Trout." She's really nice. I shovel our shared walk was and help shovel out her car.

    Our other neighbors are dirty old hippies they aren't mean but they are so annoying. They work a night shift and they always wear matching outfits. I can hear them right now listening to their loud hippy music. One Christmas morning a few years ago they were BLASTING Pachelbel's Cannon at 4 am. It was so loud. They also have a drum which they use relatively often. I think the woman dances around shouting "yoo-hoo" and "whoopee." No joke. And I can hear it all though the walls. Me and my husband should be the ones making all the noise since we're relatively young. But no, it's the people who are at least as old as our parents who keep us up with their loud music.

  3. Hahahaha. Oh my gosh. This is awful yet awesome. We have had pretty good luck with neighbors (except for the people who like to copy us!!) buuut, the woman upstairs just moved out so now I'm scared!! haha

  4. This was hilarious!! My last apartment also had a sketchy neighbor (I'm certain drugs were involved...) and the loud sex neighbor. Oh gosh...the banging would start and we would just cover our ears and groan in disgust. Loved your note ;)

  5. I'm dying! The names you have picked out for them, HILARIOUS!! Girl, you go writing Mr. Sexy Times a note! This is one of the main fears I have with moving into an apartment in the future. Sketchy people and me don't work...but do they ever?

  6. Hahaha, this is cracking me up! The sketcy one sounds so creepy...I'd beware if you're ever home alone!

    In my old apartment, our neighbor upstairs was an old lady with no life. Not to be mean, but her only hobbies and interests seemed to be her neighbors and their business. She was so nosy and also goes to bed super early and would beat on the floor (aka our ceiling) at like 9:00 pm if we were laughing! Then she would get up at like 5:00 am and clonk all around her apartment like an elephant making tons of noise.